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TW: unsettling events
Since I was a child, I was always a bit different. Even though I was always part of the so-called popular kids, somehow I didn’t quite fit in. I never felt 100% like I belonged—more like a shape-shifter. I was very mature for my age and had an insatiable curiosity. My elementary school teacher said to my mom at the end of 4th grade: ‘Mrs. Kugler, keep an eye on Jessi, she’s very advanced for her age.’ I wonder what my elementary school teacher, Mrs. Stachelhaus, would have said if she had known that playing house or playing doctor were already my favorite games in kindergarten. My sexual energy and curiosity were very pronounced from a young age, but that’s not necessarily something unusual for children.
Looking back, I’ve become aware that I carried a strong sexual energy from a young age that I didn’t really understand or recognize at the time.
In my youth, this boundless energy felt more like a curse than a blessing. Unconsciously, I attracted young men into my orbit for whom I was far too young. One young man, five years older than me, felt particularly drawn to me and stayed in my orbit for the next six years. This collision caused me to lose my so-called innocence at the tender age of 12, along with the carefree feeling that only children know. I was abruptly robbed of my youth, and what followed were six years of a brutal relationship, where I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, beaten, and mistreated. My family did their best to get me out of this relationship, but to no avail, as I stubbornly clung to the supposed ‘love’ of my life.
Contrary to what I knew from my loving home, I learned in this relationship that love comes with brutality, jealousy, possessiveness, lies, and cheating, and that as a girlfriend, you always had to be ready for sex, whether you wanted to or not. Sex took on a bitter taste for me. By the end of this relationship, not only was I lying in the maxillofacial surgery unit with a brutally beaten face, but I also had a deeply mistreated, battered, and completely broken young soul. That was the beginning of the end for me. My understanding of love, relationships, and sexuality was based on these experiences and wouldn’t change for a while.
I became the victim of rape three times, something that’s still hard for me to talk about today. In one of those instances, I was drugged with knockout drops and essentially abducted from a club. I kept finding my way into toxic relationships, which only deepened the scar on my soul, making it nearly impossible for me to heal. My coping and survival strategy, to avoid feeling and to deal with the mental anguish and brutal abuse of mind and body, was 15 years of excessive drug and alcohol use. During this time, sex took on a new meaning for me. I learned that men were drawn to my sexual energy like moths to a flame. I also learned that sex offered a way to feel, even if only temporarily, ‘important,’ ‘loved,’ ‘seen,’ and ‘wanted.’ This gave me my first unconscious impression of how powerful this energy can be.
The author OSHO describes sex as a gateway to superconsciousness. Unfortunately, at the time, it didn’t serve me as such a gateway, but more as a coping and suppression strategy, just like partying and drugs. One-night stands (ONS) were my favorite fix to feel and simultaneously not feel. I still enjoy ONS today. The difference is, today they fulfill needs such as lust, passion, desire, and cravings without the compulsion to feel significant, valuable, seen, or understood. I no longer seek to satisfy these needs externally because I’ve long since understood and learned that no one outside can fulfill them.
Only I can give myself the feeling of significance, of being worthy and valuable. I must see myself to be seen, and I must understand myself to be understood.
It took many exhausting and energy-draining years, where I was trapped in the same patterns, spinning in the same loops, often feeling desperate and thinking nothing would ever change, thinking you would never change, until I finally realized it was never about changing. It was only about being honest with yourself, seeing yourself, feeling yourself, understanding yourself, and accepting yourself as you are. Once I understood that, everything changed, without me having to change the essence of my personality.
It was very hard to heal the sexually distorted image shaped by abuse and brutality and to shed that skewed perception.
It was hard to free myself from the shackles of guilt and shame.
It was hard to finally be the person I had always been deep inside.
It was hard to let go of the beliefs and thought patterns we, especially as girls, are taught from a young age about sexuality and our female bodies.
It was hard for me, as a woman, to stand up for my unapologetic female lust and sexual orientation, to break free from the status quo, and to liberate myself from the judgments and prejudices of family, society, and friends.
It was hard for me to clearly communicate and assert my boundaries, as well as my desires and needs.
It was incredibly hard, BUT it was never impossible.
Today, I have sex when I feel like it. Today, I have sex because I love it, but most of all, because I love myself. I love when the waves of lust and passion rise within me like a stormy sea, crashing down in fiery desire, consuming every fiber of my being with this powerful energy, and making me feel endlessly alive, vibrant, and connected to myself, my partner, and the source of all.
Today, I am no longer a person in need. Today, I enter relationships not to feel complete, but to allow the feeling of completeness to be accompanied by togetherness and fiery intimacy.
Today, I am aware of the unspeakable power that originates from our female womb.
Female lust is the force that gives life. And just as it gives new life, it also gives life to you and connects every single cell in your body to the wonderful, living, vibrant creature that you are.
Today, I know that this power is not just for reproduction or release during the act, but to ground us, to anchor us, and to make us feel incredibly alive. Just as it keeps a tree grounded with its deep, strong roots, our sexual energy anchors us with ourselves, our environment, our primal instincts, and the essence of our femininity. Today, I know that this energy was never a curse, but always a blessing.
And today I also know that when we lack access to our female sexual energy and don’t know how to activate or handle it—how to channel it—we feel as though we’re wandering blindly, always searching for the perfect partner, for attention, love, understanding, affection, security, and more.
It is the fuel for the fire that burns in each of us.
‘Sex and sexual energy go hand in hand, but they are two entirely different things. You can live without sex, but without sexual energy, you wither like a flower in the desert.’
If you’ve read this far, I’m deeply touched that you’ve given me your time, energy, and attention.
I hope that my story has perhaps given you the courage to take the first step for yourself. And that you (re)find the link to yourself and come to enjoy reigniting the fire within you, living your life to the fullest, but most of all, experiencing it with all your senses.
Angaben according to § 5 TMG:
Just Know You Can
Jessica Kugler
Rheinischer Ring 41
53844 Troisdorf
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